This is the best thing I’ve seen today.
Rothkarin, the 27th incarnation of the Congressional High Priest, is a longtime fiscal conservative said to hail from the mystical dark woodlands of Bethesda, MD. He is perhaps best known for using the ground-up skulls of 100 slaughtered constituents to form the Homeowners’ Insurance Availability Act of 2003.
Sources confirmed that at the outset of the ritual, Rothkarin donned a necklace made from the desiccated severed fingers of former House minority whips and sprinkled the grounds of the cavernous, carved-limestone chamber with the remains of killed legislation from the 112th Congress.
The 143-year-old member of the cryptic Fhae’oqul Order then reportedly watched as freshman senators performed the mournful Dance of Death for Tobacco Subsidies, their bodies contorting to a primal beating of drums as they were showered in the entrails of the lawmakers whose seats they won in the 2012 election.